Happy Birthday, Ho! Ho! Ho

In a parallel life I’m a quasi astrologer. Quasi meaning that I know enough to write a weekly horoscope column for the SF Chron, but don’t ask me to do a chart for you.

If you’re wondering if I REALLY believe in astrology (People ask this all the time!), the answer “yes” and I mean it.

There’s no question but about it. We could all understand ourselves and one another much better through a knowledge of the 12 astrological signs and what they mean. Yes, Libras, for instance, really are charming, Leos can be a tad arrogant, Geminis are such flirts, Cancers are home-loving, etc., etc., etc.

As 2013 triggers a fresh new set of birthdays, hundreds of cakes will be baked in Tuolumne, Calaveras and Amador counties— hopefully with fresh dollops of flavor and imagination. Doesn’t everyone secretly (or not so secretly) think that their birthday should be declared a national holiday?

In order to ensure that every birthday kid has something uniquely special to look forward to, Minerva (my alter ego) has pulled together a list of celebratory destinations tailored to the taste of every sign.

Now, have yourself a cosmic little birthday.

ARIES (March 20-April 19) Action oriented Rams thrive on excitement and can’t wait for the day to begin. No place offers a jazzier jump start than Camps. It begins with a fantastic Bloody Mary. Not that same old, same old mixture of tomato juice, vodka and Tabasco that many bar tenders palm off. The Marys at Camps are a saucy medley of the afore mentioned ingredients combined with a dash of cayenne pepper, a whisper of Worcestershire sauce and a splash of lemon, lots of pepper, too with a garnish of pickled onion, wonderfully fresh olives, and a slim slice of lemon. A worthy accompaniment to the fabulous Mary is the Special Eggs Benedict. Those eggs really are special too. Imagine: creamy hollandaise with blue crab, served with breakfast potatoes and a luscious array of fresh fruit.

Camps, Greenhorn Creek Golf Course, 611 McCauley Rd, Angel’s Camp. Phone: 736-8181.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You do know, don’t you, that the Taurus bull is the sign of Dionysus, the wine-loving play boy of the cosmos? Hedonists from way back, no one appreciates the good life more than Taurus. Think: thick, luxurious cushions to sink into and tasteful art to feast your eyes upon. More importantly, you’re foodies from way back and love nothing more than a well cooked dinner—most particularly a perfectly done steak. The warm, luxuriant vibes of Stanley’s Steakhouse where steak reigns supreme and fine wines flow freely is tailor made. Sit back and enjoy.

Stanley’s Steakhouse, 2 Water St., Jackson. Phone: 223-0500.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Symbolized by the astro “Twins,” Gemini is the people person sign. The Twins are all about seeing and being seen and no place says Gemini better than a coffee house. The dark brown liquid is only the beginning. What counts is the air of vibrancy, the exciting buzz that instantly telegraphs a happening place, a center where one can settle in to explore and expound on art, personalities, books and politics. Sonora Joe’s is that kind of place, a combination of café and community center where

everything happens: open mics, comedy nights, book signings, concerts. And don’t forget the latte. It’s the best ever.

Sonora Joe’s Coffee Shoppe, 140 South Washington St., Sonora. Phone: 533-4455.

CANCER (June 20-July 21) As the classic “roots” sign, all Cancers are mothers at heart—including the men. Despite the Cancer shell, the person inside is warm and fuzzy. Additionally, they translate those emotional outpouring into very practical terms. Cancers are fantastic cooks, the great chefs and restaurateurs of the world. Traditionalists that they are, breakfast is the Cancerians favorite meal. Happily, breakfast is what Frank’s is all about. Imagine choosing between 23 omelettes. Try the Greek one, loaded with feta, onion, bell pepper, tomato and ham. The special cakes are another perennial patron pleaser: two eggs, two pancakes and two sausages.

Frank’s, 8085 Highway 26, at Highway 49, Mokelumne Hill. 286- 1448.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21) An evening of theater? Dahling, how too, too divine! Leos, the grand divas of the cosmos, are aficionados of the Sutter Creek Theater. As such they are delighted by the excellent cuisine and convenience of Bellotti’s located just across the street. You can even run across during intermission for a cocktail at their historic bar. But don’t miss Bellotti’s classic minestrone soup or the Scampi—jumbo fried prawns sautéed in garlic mushrooms, diced with vine-ripened tomatoes, white wine and a squeeze of lemon.

Bellotti’s Italian Restaurant is located to the left as you enter the American Exchange Hotel. 53 Main St., Sutter Creek. Phone: 267-0242

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21) The most discriminating of all the signs, it was surely a Virgo who originated the saying, “If its worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” And where but Taste would they go to celebrate? The food presentations are always gorgeous—cooked and served to perfection. Begin with a round of cigars (mushroom cigars made from crimini, shitake, and oysters wapped in phyllo dough. There’re only fantastic and it gets better and better.

Taste, 9402 Main St., Plymouth, 245-3463

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21) With vital Venus for a radiant ruler, it’s no surprise that Libras want to please and do it so well. Too well sometimes, (theirs is the sign of both love and litigation). Naturally, romance rates high on the Libra list and what better venue for a proposal or at least a proposition than Christopher’s. The food is very, very good and the ambience divine. Try the fettuccini pesto. Imagine toasted pine nuts and Chinese garlic blended with fresh basil and parmesan cheese tossed with béchamel cream. A pasta to dream for.

Christopher’s Ristorante Italian, 160 South Washington St., Sonora. Phone: 533-2600.

SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 20) Nobody likes a good ghost story better than a Scorpio. That’s why the Willow Steakhouse is their cup of spirits. First off, the 1862 structure was built on the site of a collapsed mineshaft that took the lives of 24 men. A series of devastating fires, lynchings and murders followed. One might surmise that such a collection of tragedies would cast a dark shadow about the place. Au contrair! The Willow Steakhouse oozes Gold Rush glamour. It’s easy to imagine illustrious

celebrities from the past dining there: the gracious Mrs. Robert E. Lee, the gunslinger Bat Masterson and the proud President William McKinley. Do they still walk the halls? Such questions are a Scorpio’s passion that is when they’re not gobbling down the famed New York Pepper Steak.

Willow Steakhouse. 18723 Main St., Jamestown. Phone: 984-3998

SAGITTARUS (Nov. 21-Dec. 20) High rolling Sagittarians are right at home in the Rancheria’s new Lone Wolf. What else would one expect from the sign that spends most of its time in the fast lane? The Wolf Den is located upstairs far from the madding crowd in the casino below. That means no gamblers shrieking “Jackpot!” or smokers puffing in your face. You can have a cocktail in the Lone Wolf too. Food choices are impressive. Try the New Zealand lamb sirloin. The Lone Wolf is owned by Miwuk Indians, a sovereign government. What that means to us is no tax. No tax! Now how’s that for a sweetner?

Lone Wolf, Jackson Rancheria. 12222 New York Ranch Rd., Jackson. Phone: 8222-WINN.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 21-Jan. 10) Those brainy, ambitious Capricorns undoubtedly invented the term “big picture.” No question Goats have their eyes trained on it most of the time. Still, they do need some occasional down time. What better place to relax than the Kit Carson Lodge at Silver Lake. Think granite peaks, tall pines and a pristine lake, but most of all think quiet. Kit Carson Lodge is the opposite of the Capricorn’s day-to-day world. They will actually be able to hear themselves think. Kit Carson Lodge offers excellent food and a glorious “do nothing option.

Kit Carson Lodge, Highway 88 at Silver Lake, 3261 Kit Carson Rd. Phone: 258-8500

AQUARIUS (Jan. 19-Feb. 17) Could someone be both logical and intuitive? Eccentric and dogmatic? Traditional and futuristic? Not likely unless that “someone” is an Aquarius. What the Aquari thinks today is a roadmap for tomorrow. They adore change, especially the sudden kind. Chinese New Year is always cause for celebration. What better place to party than Good Friends Restaurant. Try the crab legs. They’re enormous, easy to crack and succulent.

Good Friends Restaurant, corner of highways 12 and 26, Valley Springs. Phone: 772-0888.

PISCES (Feb. 18-March 19) Whether they admit it or not, Pisceans are closet mystics. As a cosmic compendium of all the signs, you can draw from any or all of them. A Pisces can do anything and probably has and naturally such an enchanted sign wants a dining choice that’s out of this world. Consider the Amador Café & Bakery, a sophisticated bistro in a tiny mountain village. Think butcher block tables polished to a silky sheen. Visualize the exotic allure of Chinese chairs made of faux bamboo and painted antique gold. Contemplate the romance potential of eating breakfast beneath the sparkling glow of crystal chandeliers. Then there’s the unexpected chic of floors covered in red and white square tiles. Can you imagine a more magical way to begin the day? Try the French Toast Combo—three slices of bread dipped in batter and then grilled with two slices of bacon. Perfecto!

Amador Café & Bakery, 26590 Hwy. 88 #3 in Pioneer. Phone: 295-7794.